Lawyers -- You simply can't live with them or without them

A man went to his lawyer and told him "My neighbor owes me
$500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do ?
"Do you have any proof ?",asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he
owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500!" replied the man.
"Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the
proof we need," said the lawyer.

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The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" "
The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was
outraged.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and
convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights,
claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together
with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said,
"Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he
went to law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

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